THE HILLS RECAP: "APOLOGY NOT ACCEPTED!"

This week's episode of The Hills begins over at Heidi and Lauren's, where Heidi just so matter-of-factly lets it be known to Lauren that Spencer asked her to move in with him. Lauren, having found out days ago, tells Heidi that she already heard the thrilling news through her true friend Lo. Heidi's face drops as she hears this and Lauren also does the perfect job of acting like she couldn't give a shit about Spencer asking Heidi to shack up with him. Lauren then calls Heidi out oh-so-delicately, telling her that since something like that is supposed to be a big deal, she was surprised she told Lo before her. Heidi then totally lies and gives Lauren some shoddy excuse like, "oh well, I just found out." Little does she know, Heidi also shared the news with blond girl at Bolthouse, the bathroom attendant at Area, her waxer AND the butcher over at Whole Foods. Heidi then says how sweet she thinks it is that Spencer wants them to live together, and Lauren kills Heidi's buzz right away by saying, "to be honest, it kind of freaks me out." Lauren is sure to add that if she was dating a guy and he asked her to move in with him after only a few months, she'd be like,"WOAHHHH, WHOAHHH, SLOW DOWWWN." She then makes sure to hold up both of her hands in a "back the hell up!" gesture for stronger emphasis while she says this. Heidi is thoroughly disappointed at Lauren's ability to crush her dreams and normally, I would feel bad for Heidi, but since I hate Spencer so much, she's shit out of luck. When Lauren asks her if she wants to move with Spencer, Heidi first humms and haaas and then tells Lauren she told Spencer she wasn't going to do it and that she is really happy she decided to stay there with Lauren. Again, Heidi's dreams are crushed when Lauren, instead of being all shits and giggles because Heidi chose to live with her instead of Spencer, says the last thing she wants for her 21st birthday is to spend it dealing with a new roommate. She then twists the knife in Heidi's back even more by comparing losing her as a roommate to losing a good pair of jeans. Sorry Heidi, but Lauren was right when she said, "a good pair of jeans, you hang on to them, no matter what."

Over at Audrina's, Heidi stops by to talk about the surprise party they are having for Lauren's 21st birthday. The two girls hatch this sinister plan to make Lauren think Heidi is flaking on a special birthday dinner that was supposed to be a strictly "Lauren and Heidi night." Okay, considering how fragile things are between those two and the venom that might spit out of Lauren's mouth once she believes Heidi is giving her the bump for a bigger name with a penis again, I don't know if this is the best idea. Audrina on the other hand, is probably secretly thrilled at the prospect of looking like the good guy in Lauren's eyes once again. Tee Hee! So the plans stands that Heidi will flake on Lauren for the birthday dinner, Lauren will of course call her second choice side kick Audrina and Audrina will get Lauren to go out, leading her to the secret surprise birthday destination at Hyde. Poor Audrina, after standing by Lauren while Heidi was caught up in Spencerville, she still comes in second fiddle.

Over at Teen Vogue, Lauren and the fabulous Whitney are once again sorting through clothes. Whitney brings up Lauren's birthday and asks her what she's going to do. Lauren tells her how she and Heidi have plans, but that she was hoping she would have some big sha-bang for her 21st birthday. Whitney, in all her wisdom, tells Lauren that she didn't do anything huge for her 21st birthday and that the fact that she turned 21 was good enough. I love Whitney and don't understand why Lauren doesn't spend more time with a smart girl like her instead of the knucklehead, drama filled friends she chooses to spend her time with. Oh well, to each his own. Whitney can be my friend instead.

Back over at Bolthouse, Heidi is on the phone with big toothed Spencer talking about Lauren's birthday party at Hyde. When blond Bolthouse co-worker hears that Spencer is on the line, she does another one of her classic reactions like last week and rolls her eyes and shakes her head. Okay, first of all, Heidi obviously learned nothing the past few weeks by inviting Spencer, Lauren's mortal enemy to her birthday party. To make matters worse, she then tells him to bring Brody, the guy who just macked on two-toned Jen (TTJ) and helped break up Lauren and TTJ's friendship. Dingbat! Ugh, next thing you know, who walks into Bolthouse, but TTJ and Heidi looks less than thrilled to see her. Shuffling her outside, Heidi tells TTJ she can't talk to her because she is, hello, working! Okay, what the hell is wrong with TTJ that she shows up at someones work in the middle of the day to chat because she hasn't seen them in a while? Who the hell does that? Granted, Heidi's job seems to primarily be crossing names off a clipboard, but still, after the age of 16, you don't pull shit like that. So, TTJ asks Heidi if she thinks Lauren is ready to talk to her and Heidi is just like, "Um, no TTJ, I don't think she wants to talk for a while." Heidi then tells TTJ that she broke the girlfriend code which is, "You don't hook up with your friend's exes or past hook-ups." Jen doesn't understand how one night with Brody could mess up their 15 years of friendship. Anyway, Heidi is really no help and keeps acting distracted, telling TTJ she is "busy! busy!" and must get back to work. TTJ finally leaves with her tail between her legs and without an invitation to Lauren's birthday party, boo hoo.

After work, Heidi goes home and straight up tells Lauren that Jen "Bunney" stopped by her work to talk. Heidi totally embellishes the whole thing, lying to Lauren by saying she told TTJ how inappropriate it was to come to her work and to never come back there again. The girls then talk about how desperate TTJ must be and how she must not have any other friends to chase after Lauren when Lauren is not ready to talk to her. Oh the humanity! Jen Bunney is sooo in the Bunney house.

Next up, it's the night of Lauren's birthday and Lauren and Heidi are getting all dolled up for their date together. Suddenly Heidi gets "the phonecall" and in a horrible acting job, pretends Spencer is on the other end of the phone and that he needs to see her immediately. She tells Lauren that Spencer needs to talk to her right now in person and that she will call her. At this point, Heidi is like practically out the door and Lauren is about to have a break down about what is taking place. She's having none of it and tells Heidi to stop leaving her for Spencer, but Heidi just books and says, "I'll call you." Like clockwork, Lauren calls Audrina to bitch about what a bad friend Heidi still is. Just as planned, Audrina tells Lauren she will take her out and of course, Lauren takes the bait.

At the birthday party, the usual crowd is there, plus my two favorites, Whitney and Lo. Thankfully, Lo looks more like herself than she did last week. Audrina and Lauren walk in to hoots and hollers and finally, Lauren forgets that she was mad at Heidi and is finally, filled with shits and giggles. She then proceeds to flirt with Brody, choosing not to hold any of the blame for kissing TTJ on him and instead, drunkingly asks him if he yelled "Happy Birthday!!!" with everyone else when she walked in the door. Ugh, stupid girl. As the two get to talking more, Brody starts playing with fire and asks Lauren if she has talked to TTJ lately. What a cocky son of a bitch. The conversation then turns to how much Lauren now hates TTJ and that she doesn't speak to her anymore. Lauren then teases us again by telling Brody TTJ was also the reason why she and Lo didn't talk for two years, but still doesn't spill any more dirt as to exactly why. Okay, there must be someone out there reading this recap who knows someone that knows someone who knows this secret, so please, find it out for me and then post it in the comments because I can't stand it anymore. One thing is for sure, I'm glad my girls Lo and Lauren are friends again and who the hell cares about TTJ getting the dump. So after all the Brody Jenner nonsense, it's time for a birthday toast to Lauren. Just take a guess who of all people gives the toast to Lauren? Yep. Her mortal enemy Spencer. The dude must have been practicing it in front of the mirror for days to ensure prime camera time, and it went something like this: "Heidi the love of my life (as long as Playmates aren't around), loves Lauren more than anything in the world (except when she's agreeing with me about what an unreasonable bitch she is being to me), so that makes Lauren an amazing person (at least for as long as I'm being filmed for this toast). We don't see eye to eye (because Lauren knows the truth that I am sleazy), but they do (on clothes and hand bags). So at the end of the day (when I am trying to get Heidi to have sex with me), we all see eye to eye. Cheers (Bitch!)."

The next day, Lauren and Brody are out to lunch together. After Lauren makes fun of Spencer's birthday toast, Brody brings up TTJ again. Actually, they keep referring to her by her full name, "Jen Bunney." Who does that? Lauren tells Brody how Jen thought the two of them would friends again by her birthday and Lauren puts on her tough act for Brody saying something like, "Yeah, right, don't come to my birthday! It's myyyy birthday, don't come, for realz! I hate you!" She then tries to make Brody regret his night with The Bunney even more by telling him that people don't like TTJ because she has had a lot of problems with her female friends because she hooks up with their sloppy seconds and thirds, blah, blah, blah and then lies about it. Brody does some annoying reaction where he jokingly tries to act all innocent, mocking the fact that he in fact did that to Lauren too by hooking up with TTJ and looks up to the sky saying "oh really?" At this point, I just want to slap the guy. She tells Brody that Jen has a history of pulling stuff like this on her friends and we learn that TTJ made out with Jason the same night Lauren kissed him for the first time. Whore.

Now things get good. That evening, Lauren is all glowing over her lunch date with Brody and the doorbell to her apartment rings. She opens the door and it's TTJ, Jen Bunney standing outside. TTJ looks at Lauren and asks her if she can come in to talk about everything. Lauren must have been expecting TTJ because she just lets her in the door without slapping her or calling her a bitch or anything. Straight up, Lauren tells TTJ to say whatever she wants to say because by the way she is stalking she and her friends, she obviously needs to say something. TTJ tells Lauren that she thinks that everything got blown out of proportion, to where Lauren quickly shoots her down saying "I don't feel that way" and "that's because it didn't happen to you!" THEN, TTJ throws out that ridiculous line, usually reserved for a shitty guy excuse and tells Lauren, "what you don't understand is that I never really meant to hurt you." Don't you just love when people say that? Lauren is still having none of TTJ and tells her that she wasn't thinking of her at all because she was only thinking of her two-toned self and probably how cute she'd look on camera with "the Brody Jenner." After TTJ tries to make more excuses, Lauren tells her that she is pissed because TTJ did something really shady behind her back and that she is evil and conniving for macking on Brody, not because she liked him, but because he was the first guy since Jason she was able to have a crush on. At this point, TTJ has her hands covering her mouth and she looks as though she is trying not to laugh. She tells Lauren that it was a mistake and that she "messed up, one night." Lauren continues to ream TTJ about what a shitty friend she is and tells her that she screws up her friendships because of guys. She then brings up TTJ playing the whore and making out with Jason back in the day. TTJ calls the incident with Jason a joke and tells Lauren she shouldn't even "go there." Lauren tells TTJ that she has been burned by so many friends lately and has every reason not to trust her sorry ass anymore. Then, looking like she will get her toenails pulled out if she doesn't say it, TTJ tersely tells Lauren, "I'm sorry I hurt you," and Lauren answers back even more tersely, "I appreciate that, thank you." Then Jen puts in a final plea asking Lauren, "so there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say?" and Lauren quickly answers "NO. You've done and said enough." After that, there is complete silence and Lauren gets off the couch and shows TTJ the door. As she is leaving, TTJ tells Lauren, "I'll let you call me when you're ready." And with that, Lauren slams the door hard on TTJ's ass without a care in the world.